Only One

For some reason general society thinks that they have permission to enter your life as soon as you are pregnant or have a child.

When you're pregnant you get the crazy people who come up and touch your belly without permission or the thought that they are coming up and touching a complete stranger in a way they'd never think of touching someone not pregnant. You get peppered with questions "when are you due" "what are you having" etc etc until for some of us you go nuts and either blow up at the next person who touches you or develop a scowl that deters even the closest friend from approaching you.

Once you have that little baby out of your body and in your arms there is a whole new part of society who descends. These are the hoards of seemingly well meaning people who again pepper you with questions "how old is s/he?" "how does s/he sleep" "are you breastfeeding?" "is this your only child?" and the list goes on but its the last question that strikes angst into me.

Little M was formula fed and although I had some run-ins with the general population over how I'm feeding her rat poison(gee thanks) I could brush that one off with no problems.

Its the interrogation over how many more children we will have that annoys me. I'm not young nor am I old to have a child. The fiancé and I have been together for working onto seven years. I have had complete strangers come up to me in the store and start questioning me on my reproductive status and when I'll be popping the next one out. The scowl developed during pregnancy somehow does not deter these people.

We didn't start off to only have one child. We always thought we'd have two. But when that curve ball of a syndrome, and not just any syndrome but a genetic one that YOU passed onto your child, is added to the mix a whole new layer of awareness about life is created. Do you have another child and roll the proverbial dice and hope that they don't get it? Do you throw caution to the wind and just go for it and whatever comes you'll handle?

It took the fiancé and I only one visit to the big children's hospital and only one doctor to mention the words "genetic syndrome" and our hearts sank. We knew that our plans for our family had just changed. We talked for many months about what we would do. Could we think about having another when we don't even know the extent the syndrome will play on M? Could we handle having TWO children in the hospital? Could we accept that if this potential second child HAD the syndrome that we, with full knowledge, went ahead anyway and rolled the dice? What if this other child had the more severe disabilities and passed away shortly after birth or within the first few years? How would we as a family make it through that? We decided we couldn't even consider doing it.

We don't live in a world of sunshine and lollipops. We've gone through more in M's first year than we hope anyone will EVER have to go through with their kids. How could we wish that on another child? Even if that baby didn't have anything wrong, M would. Would M feel that we'd tried again to get that "perfect" baby that we didn't get with her?

So M will be our first, our last and our only.

When you tell anyone that you're not having anymore after one, the first thing most people say "but you CAN'T not have more, just look at her! How can you DEPRIVE her of something as wonderful as a sibling?!". They may think you're weak and gave up. They may think you're selfish. Some will vocalize these thoughts and more.

When we tell people we try not to pull out the syndrome card. We don't need or want people treating M differently because she's a little bit designer-gene'd. But after going around and around in circles with the other people protesting and insisting that we simply must have another you get tired of it and you pull out your last line of defence. Some people understand. Others say that there is no guarantee that another would have it, my question is can you guarantee they won't?

After we made our decision I realized that while every mother is a mother, only-child parents are a little different. Much like parents of large families are a little different. We're looked at as an oddity by much of society. People don't understand. They question your judgment. Some even go as far to say that why bother having a child at all if you aren't going to give them a sibling. I found a group of wonderful women who are moms of onlies. Most are onlies by choice. There are a few of us who are onlies by reason of medical decisions. We've talked about how society judges us. We've talked about how family and friends don't understand and continue to push us for more kids. The ones of us who have the medical "excuses" are lucky.

For some reason if you have a medical "excuse" to not have more people say "oh thats so sad but ok at least you have a REASON". This makes me so angry. Why do we NEED a reason? Why can't we just be accepted for they way our family is complete at three? Everyone accepts families of four, and even five without batting an eye. What is so wrong that we are judged so harshly for our families of three? Why do we have to justify over and over and over why we don't want to have more?

Its not just the random people in the street, or the family and friends who judge. I've had a medical professional express to me that I'm too young to make that decision. I'm old enough to have a child but not old enough to decide how many to have? How does that work? I spoke with my GP about this and about my dissatisfaction with this medical professional and she said "yes. it makes sense. yes its a hard decision but good for you for making one that is right for your family". I felt like jumping up and down when she said that. Yes! MY decision for MY family. Not yours, not crazy Mal-Wart person. Mine. The one who gets up with the baby at night. The one who goes through pregnancy and birth. Not the one who leans into the stroller and says how cute baby is. Not the one who sells me apples and milk. MINE. MINE. MINE. well ok...MINE and the fiancé's.

We made our decision. We love our decision.

Our world is perfect and complete at the three of us.

I hope that you all find the magic number for YOUR family and respect those who have a different magic number for theirs.